Conrad Systems Development
For a few years now I have periodically posted Access "Top 10 Lists" in the newsgoups. Around Christmas I have also posted some holiday themed Access lists as well. Now you can review all of my previous lists here in one spot. A word of caution on these: If you are not an Access Junkie or a newsgroup regular, you will not get these!
Access Junkie Top 10 List
You know you're an Access Junkie when....
10. Your Windows Favorites list is a "Who's Who" list of Access MVP sites.
9. You start dreaming in code. "On Error GoTo....."
8. Your spouse thinks a meaningful conversation with you is ANYTHING that doesn't involve Access.
7. You answer every request from your boss with "I think I can do that in Access" just to have the opportunity to work on a database project.
6. You think any computer that doesn't have Access loaded on it is a worthless pile of junk.
5. You start talking to your kids like this:
4. When you finally get something to work correctly that you've been struggling with for a long time you're so relieved you feel like having a cigarette; even if you don't smoke!!
3. You start to get withdrawal symptoms if you haven't had your Access "fix" for the day. Sweaty palms, itchy rash, severe headaches, etc.
2. You can't figure out why Stephen Leban's web site isn't listed as the Eighth
Wonder of the World.
1. If you ever happen to hear the words "Look-up" and "Table" in the same sentence during conversations, you suddenly have a vision of John Vinson dressed as a nun slapping your wrists with a ruler.
An Access Holiday Story
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house. Not a creature was stirring, not even an Access Developer. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that St. Vinson soon would be there. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of add-ins, utilities, and service packs danced in their heads.
And Mama in her 'Access Rocks' shirt and I in my cap, had just settled our brains for a long 'waiting for it to compile' nap. When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my desk chair to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow, gave the lustre of midday to my databases below. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny DB developers! With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Vinson.
More rapid than FoxPro his courses they came, and he whistled and shouted, and called them by name; Now Arvin! Now Stephen! Now Bruce and Dan! On Hugh! On Sandra! On Dirk and Van! To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky. So up to the housetop the courses they flew, with the sleigh full of Access goodies, and St. Vinson, too.
And then in a twinkling I heard on the roof the prancing and pawing of each little foot. As I drew in my head and was turning around, down the chimney St. Vinson came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot. A bundle of ODEs he had flung on his back, and he looked like a pedlar just opening his pack. His eyes how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry! His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, and the beard of his chin was as white as the snow. The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath. He had a 'Got Access?' shirt and a little round belly that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf. And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself. A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, and filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose, and giving a nod, up to the chimney he rose. He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle. But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, 'Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!'
Top 10 Worst Access Pick-Up Lines
To commemorate the one year anniversary of the Access Junkie Top 10 List, here's another list to help you get through a tough workday. In addition, since it is the weekend, these should come in handy as you're out on the town. Most of these can be used with either gender, but some are obviously gender specific.
A word of caution here! These pick-up lines will probably work on only the MOST intelligent of prospective mates. Most of the time, however, you will be met with mixed results. By "mixed" I mean you will most likely have a mixed drink tossed in your face!!
So here you go: Top 10 Worst Access Pick-Up Lines:
10. Compile here often?
9. What's your sign? DAO or ADO?
8. WOW! You just put a Breakpoint right on my heart!
7. I would love to hear you talk SQL to me.
6. Want to go back to my place and Debug a few hundred lines of code?
5. Hi there, I don't think we've been properly Dimmed.
4. Is that an Add-In in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
3. You show me your References and I'll show you mine!
2. Would you like to go out back and play in Sandbox mode?
1. What are the chances of you and I getting to Third Normal Form?
The 12 Days Of Access Christmas
Sing along with me (because you know you want to).
On the First Day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
St. Vinson putting presents under my tree.
On the Second Day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
2 ADH Volumes....
and St. Vinson putting presents under my tree.
On the Third Day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
3 Conditional Formatting Levels....
2 ADH Volumes,
On the Fourth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
4 PID String Minimum....
On the Fifth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
5 Normal Forms....
4 PID String Minimum
On the Sixth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
6 Daigle Progress Meters....
5 Normal Forms....
4 PID String Minimum
On the Seventh Day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
7 Access Versions....
6 Daigle Progress Meters
4 PID String Minimum
On the Eighth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
8 Jet Updates....
7 Access Versions
On the Ninth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
9 Kallal Mail Merges....
8 Jet Updates
On the Tenth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
10 Index Field Maximum....
9 Kallal Mail Merges
On the Eleventh Day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
11 Goldgar Fixes....
10 Index Field Maximum
On the Twelfth Day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
12 Hookom Calendars....
11 Goldgar Fixes
4 PID String Minimum
(I think I've had too much egg nog)
Top 10 Access Car Bumper Stickers
10. My other car is a bug free 32-bit API
9. If You're_Close_Enough_To_Read_This = True Then
8. Do you believe in St Vinson?
7. Driver carries no cash, he's a self-employed Access Junkie
6. This vehicle stops at all SQL sightings
5. Warning - Security System In Place:
4. Even Yoda has a day job
2. Been there - Dinh that
And the Number One Access Car Bumper Sticker:
1. Normalized Highway Table Structure: 1 Road --> Many Idiots
Top 10 Ways To Tell Your Doctor Is An Access Junkie
10. As you enter the office you are suddenly stopped at the front door by a nurse who screams:
"Security Warning - Unsafe patients are not blocked!!"
9. Amongst all the other personal information needed on the "New Patient" form you notice this line:
Jet Service Pack Level: ___
8. Your prescription reads, "Debug two databases and call me in the morning."
7. You notice the doctor's appointment schedule bears a striking resemblance to Duane Hookom's sample calendar reports. Hummm........
6. While sitting in the waiting room you hear this over the intercom, "Dr. Snell to the Chem lab please, Dr. Snell to Chem Lab. Thank You."
5. In the medicine cabinet you notice a bottle labeled:
4. Your doctor refers you to another specialist. Puzzled by this you ask the doctor what the diagnosis is. With a very gloomy look on his face and a very long pause he responds:
"...(big sigh)....It's not good......You're committing spreadsheet. I'm sorry."
3. You notice all the doctor's instruments and utensils are named following the Reddick, Leszynski Naming Conventions guidelines.
2. Your jaw drops to the floor after receiving your bill in the mail. After calling the doctor's office and complaining for 10 minutes the receptionist replies back with one simple sentence:
Simple 1-M Relationship: "One bill --> Many stupid expenses tacked
And the Number 1 Way To Tell Your Doctor Is An Access Junkie:
1. You're amazed at how well organized the medicine cabinet is. You then notice a small plaque above the cabinet. Not being able to make it out, you get off the examination table and walk over to the cabinet to get a closer look. The plaque reads:
The Vinson Grandma Pantry Principle:
The Story of the Three Wise Johns from the East:
"A decree went out from Caesar Gates that all the land should be blessed with a new database King. As the birth drew near, three wise Johns from the East noticed a very bright star shining in the sky. The star was a sign to them that a new database King had been born; so the wise Johns set out on a journey to follow the star and find this newborn database King of the land.
The star led the wise Johns through fields and over mountains until they arrived
in a town called Redmond where it stood shining bright over the place where the new
King lay. They found the babe covered in shrink-wrap and surrounded by Caesar Gates
and his knowledgeable followers. The wise
The wise Johns each brought a gift for the new King:
And suddenly a great army of heavenly angels led by Cheryl Fischer appeared
before them singing
Top 10 Personalized Access Car License Plates:
This is a special Top 10 List. It is a PowerPoint presentation and will require either a full version of PowerPoint to run or the PowerPoint viewer. Download the zip file and extract the presentation. Then just open the file to see. The slides will advance automatically so there is no need to click to advance. If you need the PowerPoint Viewer you can download that from Microsoft's site here:
PowerPoint Viewer 97 for PowerPoint 97, 2000, and 2002 Users:
Here is the Slide
Top 10 ways to tell you have an Access Junkie in the house at Christmas time:
3. Your wish for the upcoming New Year has already been granted: PDF in Access 12.
Your children look forward to the annual reading of the Access Holiday Story
on Christmas Eve.
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This page was last updated on
Sunday, September 19, 2010.